I’ve just got back from a little jaunt to Spain and well I’ll tell you about the sort of typical mad noche that seems to happen to me, more than most, on a regular basis. 

We continue…I hooked up with an old friend of mine and we teamed up to attack a cool bar in Cataluña for a few scoops and a browse at the lovelies on show. All very normal so far. As I was leaving however, somewhat the worse for wear after hours of drinking, I was approached by what can only be described as a rather large breasted Panamanian (I think that’s right!) – who invited me back to hers along with her pretty Central American friend. Well your mind starts to race at this point as a male, lubricated in no serious part through numerous Sol’s.

Well as we were initially walking out of the place in an ever reducing but initially large group, I didn’t realise at first the other girl was with a Polish guy. I didn’t think anything of it (or anything at all to be honest by the point) as we got back to theirs and made our way up to their 3rd floor apartment. At this point came a very uncomfortable silence as we all sat around a table, until thankfully Polska put a tune on, which I saw initially as a godsend even when he started started sashaying with the girl I was meant to be with. I chuckled to myself that ‘yes’ he could dance, but there was only one conclusion to the try hard tactics of my little eastern block friend. Wrong.

After a while the music and dancing died down and I finally got the nod to go to the Panama suite. Here we go - or not as the case may be! Panama just went straight to sleep. Gutted. So I sort of drift off too. Only to be woken up by Polish, who had come into the room and knelt beside the double bed stroking Panama’s hair conversing rather irritatingly in Spanish. God why are us English so sh1t at speaking foreign languages. Anyway, I got the drift of the conversation that he was leaving and just wanted her friends mobile number who had bailed from the party earlier – she BTW was what can only be described in the trade as an annoying, rates herself BITCH! Anyway, he persuaded her to leave the room closing the door behind them. After a minute or so I went to go to the loo/investigate and chanced upon the two talking, it seemed, very closely. I finished in the loo and was followed back into bed by the girl. All good now then you’d think... Nope!

Ten minutes later the girl who had instantly fallen asleep on contact with the bed sheets was being spooned by the Pole in my bed!? At this point I was thinking what the fcuks happening here, so I pushed up close to the girl so much so that it caused dancing man to fall out of the bed with a bang. This I thought must surely get rid of the, now stripped to his underwear, Pole. He scuttled out of the bedroom only to be followed 3 minutes later by snow white!? I gave it 10 minutes, or so and this time went to get a…erm glass of water from the kitchen. Well on the way in out passing me popped out a fully naked Panama and a grinning young man, heading towards the shower. Now at this point things had gone beyond the joke in my book, the return of normal was beginning to return.

Well there was nothing left for it but to gather my clothes, put on my shoes and take aim at her wardrobe of clothes with a now pretty full bladder again. I closed the apartment door behind me and from the quiet of the Sunday morning (8-9am) street I could hear sleep-a-lot scream when she finally got back into bed. I don’t think she went straight to sleep after that again though! Haha!

Crazy night as I explained to my disbelieving friends, but why didn’t I do something sooner about the midnight caller? – like tonk him one as they suggested. Why did I let the guy into the room in the first place? I could put it down to my drunkenness, but perhaps deep down I was thinking well I’m not exactly going to impress her with 1. Going off too quickly 2. Or not being able to get it up like the last girl. I just don’t know. These things are now playing on my mind so much it seems I can get super-seeded by a Pole with a sh1tty pony tail and some greying grape smuggling Calvin Klime briefs!

Where did I go wrong? was it all a pre-determined set of events? Or did the best man for the job, just get lucky?? Questions questions and there are more of them than answers - especially at the moment. 

Craig x