Premature Ejaculation

Greetings team, hope this message finds you all well? Good good good.

I thought I’d share this funny if not horrendous story of a friend of mine. And NO it wasn’t me doing the dirty deed! haha

Anyway, I had a phone call off a girl called Eva a pretty if not petite, lively Italian girl who I’d not heard from in ages. She was telling me of an horrific turn of events regarding presumably an ex loves vengeance for in reality nothing more than the natural break-up of a relationship. Which is I guess the sad bit for her. But, on to the good bit... :-)

Well Eva told me she logged on to her email a week, or so ago and received a strange mail which went along the lines of: ‘Oh my god where you meant to send that to me??????? I wish my girlfriend did that sort of thing!’, the next from a friend in Florida: ‘…that sort of thing is illegal in most American states!  ’ More and more emails came back from various friends all with the same sort of disbelief contained within them and she obviously couldn’t work out why that was, until she emailed one of her closest friends.

It turns out that someone had cracked into her (hence the jilted ex boyfriend theory) email and found a picture file with her and ex-boyfriend in a very very intimate spot, or two shall we say. When I say intimate we’re talking toys, oral, anal etc etc – with various other compromising props, positions and places included for good measure! ~ Needless to say it was bad enough the mystery hacker seeing them, but when those extremely sensitive images were then emailed to EVERYONE in her address book, well you can imagine the fallout was of nuclear proportions!

The list of recipients included her Mum, her Dad, her sisters, her brother, Aunts and Uncles, some of her work colleagues, never mind all her friends - even people like the local priest back in Florence were included! Truly a horror of all horror shows. Naturally she is mortified, but what can you do - she said. She emailed everyone again in her address book, to stop people from opening the message if they hadn’t already done so, but the damage had been done.

Now, if anyone knows of a bigger nightmare to happen to a friend then please do share it with the group. Naturally I was gutted to find out she had my old and now defunct work email so I didn’t get to see a thing! Typical. 

So all in all girls although that video, or photo session with (probably suggested by) your current squeeze at the time may seem a great idea, more often than not it won’t be. Because, thinking about it, my old flatmate taped a few of his bedroom antics and all the lads have seen the footage at some point, or other on a drunken night.

Now, especially in these days of YouTube etc, Bad ex-boyfriend? or silly girl?
In the words of Big Brother - You decide…

Craig x

Well what a week for everyone but me it seems. The weather for one is unfortunately bringing misery to millions, when will it all stop? There has got to be something in this global warming, the stats are there for all to see in Al Gore’s – An Inconvenient Truth (watch it people!). I’m no greeny by any stretch of the imagination, though I try to do my bit, but well there just has to be some truth in it, surely!

What was nice to see though at the end of last week is the likes of Cardiff, Barnsley, Portsmouth and WBA having a day out in the sun at the new Wembley. Sometimes in these corporate times its fantastic to see the minnows get the hospitality of the twin towers, or should that be that mega arch. It took a long time coming and though I haven’t had chance to see it myself, the stadium I believe is a fitting national monument to the roots of the beautiful game.

Not a great deal has been happening of late as I’ve been struck down by a rather viscious bug, but it got me thinking about some of the more embarrassing times premature ejaculation has caused trouble one way or another. There was this time when I had this attractive fashion sub-editor (of a leading Men’s Magazine) back to my apartment who I’d had a couple of dates with. If truth be known she wasn’t the nicest person and as such I didn’t really like her as she was a bit stuck up, but as you may know there is the hook - well at least for me.

As is usually the case things started to hot up just as she needed to be going to catch her nigh on un-missable train. Well me, being me, managed to lift up her skirt in the melee and before you could say the ‘7.15 to Victoria’ Kaboom! The payload was delivered. Obviously she was none to impressed with the swiftness and in turn showed a similar fleet of foot when sprinting to the toilet (yes I know safe sex and all – but these things happen...to everyone at some point or other in their lives!) to clear herself up shall we say. We then both ran out of the flat and hurtled down the road at break neck speed with her being in a bit of a mood. Well 5 steps later having snapped the heel of her rather expensive footwear (she’d dropped it into conversation that they cost X amount of pounds! – money don’t make the wo/man in my eyes) she took the biggest tumble, turning her from being unimpressed to seething mad. If it was anyone else I would’ve been really upset for them, but because of her manner and the acrobatic nature of the dive it took me all my powers not to let a sly smile slip out. I tried to help her up but she was having none of it. With tears in her eyes she battled on to the station, with me apologetically bringing up the rear. She just managed to dash on to the train, but without so much as a goodbye kiss as I slipped her handbag through the sliding doors. Needless to say my well healed friend was never to be heard from again. Another one bites the dust or should that be the pavement of St Johns Hill High Street.

Anyway, I’m loving reading about some of my fellow bloggers lives as there I was thinking it was just my life/family that was mad at times!

Craig x

I’ve just got back from a little jaunt to Spain and well I’ll tell you about the sort of typical mad noche that seems to happen to me, more than most, on a regular basis. 

We continue…I hooked up with an old friend of mine and we teamed up to attack a cool bar in Cataluña for a few scoops and a browse at the lovelies on show. All very normal so far. As I was leaving however, somewhat the worse for wear after hours of drinking, I was approached by what can only be described as a rather large breasted Panamanian (I think that’s right!) – who invited me back to hers along with her pretty Central American friend. Well your mind starts to race at this point as a male, lubricated in no serious part through numerous Sol’s.

Well as we were initially walking out of the place in an ever reducing but initially large group, I didn’t realise at first the other girl was with a Polish guy. I didn’t think anything of it (or anything at all to be honest by the point) as we got back to theirs and made our way up to their 3rd floor apartment. At this point came a very uncomfortable silence as we all sat around a table, until thankfully Polska put a tune on, which I saw initially as a godsend even when he started started sashaying with the girl I was meant to be with. I chuckled to myself that ‘yes’ he could dance, but there was only one conclusion to the try hard tactics of my little eastern block friend. Wrong.

After a while the music and dancing died down and I finally got the nod to go to the Panama suite. Here we go - or not as the case may be! Panama just went straight to sleep. Gutted. So I sort of drift off too. Only to be woken up by Polish, who had come into the room and knelt beside the double bed stroking Panama’s hair conversing rather irritatingly in Spanish. God why are us English so sh1t at speaking foreign languages. Anyway, I got the drift of the conversation that he was leaving and just wanted her friends mobile number who had bailed from the party earlier – she BTW was what can only be described in the trade as an annoying, rates herself BITCH! Anyway, he persuaded her to leave the room closing the door behind them. After a minute or so I went to go to the loo/investigate and chanced upon the two talking, it seemed, very closely. I finished in the loo and was followed back into bed by the girl. All good now then you’d think... Nope!

Ten minutes later the girl who had instantly fallen asleep on contact with the bed sheets was being spooned by the Pole in my bed!? At this point I was thinking what the fcuks happening here, so I pushed up close to the girl so much so that it caused dancing man to fall out of the bed with a bang. This I thought must surely get rid of the, now stripped to his underwear, Pole. He scuttled out of the bedroom only to be followed 3 minutes later by snow white!? I gave it 10 minutes, or so and this time went to get a…erm glass of water from the kitchen. Well on the way in out passing me popped out a fully naked Panama and a grinning young man, heading towards the shower. Now at this point things had gone beyond the joke in my book, the return of normal was beginning to return.

Well there was nothing left for it but to gather my clothes, put on my shoes and take aim at her wardrobe of clothes with a now pretty full bladder again. I closed the apartment door behind me and from the quiet of the Sunday morning (8-9am) street I could hear sleep-a-lot scream when she finally got back into bed. I don’t think she went straight to sleep after that again though! Haha!

Crazy night as I explained to my disbelieving friends, but why didn’t I do something sooner about the midnight caller? – like tonk him one as they suggested. Why did I let the guy into the room in the first place? I could put it down to my drunkenness, but perhaps deep down I was thinking well I’m not exactly going to impress her with 1. Going off too quickly 2. Or not being able to get it up like the last girl. I just don’t know. These things are now playing on my mind so much it seems I can get super-seeded by a Pole with a sh1tty pony tail and some greying grape smuggling Calvin Klime briefs!

Where did I go wrong? was it all a pre-determined set of events? Or did the best man for the job, just get lucky?? Questions questions and there are more of them than answers - especially at the moment. 

Craig x