Premature Ejaculation

Thank you for the continued interest in my Premature Ejaculation blog. I’d like to say a problem shared is a problem halved, but after the nightmare night with the blonde (see Blog SS2) I’ve binned that phrase!

I’ve been thinking and the worst thing about my major malfunction, is that I’m pretty much spectacularly normal in everything else I do. I’m normal to the Nth degree really when I look at it. I have a normal, well paid job. I have a normal’ish family – as far as that’s possible evolving from the primordial stew that is the NW of England and I have lots of normal friends – apart from my Dutch friend who has a head like that of an ocean going vessel. He winds me up most to be fair as he’s hung like a donkey and fcuks like a jackhammer. Lucky bastard! :-)

But still saying all that, it boils down to the fact, I fcuk like a pubescent schoolboy who shoots quicker than a battery of machine guns, with the added ability now of not being able to re-load the ammo quite as quickly as I drift towards the dreaded abyss that is the 30s? Great, just great. :-(

Yes from an evolutionary/Neanderthal point of view I’m the perfect male. i.e. cavemen who came fast, stood more chance of impregnating a woman and enlarging their tribe. But, as hairy as I am, I don’t want a tribe, Christ I don’t want to hear the patter of tiny feet (I can put shoes on my dog for that!) – I just want to last longer than a nano-second and to just be able to really satisfy one woman. Just one woman!!! Is that too much to ask???? Arrrghhhhhhhhh

Trying to explain this embarrassment, lack of pride and of manliness in a way is like trying to explain what a particular colour looks like to someone who is blind. I am the butt of all my friend’s jokes hence the Sharp Shooter title – though I am a good striker and no that’s not because I’m quick – haha! and at times if I’m honest it all just gets a bit too much for me. Which is why this blog is a release, of a good kind :-), for me as it just shows to me I’m not in this on my own. I really appreciate all the kind words and interest this column has generated and hope in some way this helps you as it’s helping me.

Take care out there, wherever you are…

Craig x

Thankyou firstly for all the comments to my last blog, which inc a females point of view which is great. I've replied as best as I can to them all.

Onto the Blogger...

Golden rule number One: Never attempt to have break-up sex when you suffer from Premature Ejaculation.
And that should’ve been pre-seeded by…
Golden rule number 0.5: Never ever offer to tile your ex-girlfriends flat late at night.

Yes the girl who dropped the New Years bombshell that we were over managed to get a taster, so to speak, of one of the reasons why we broke up in the first place. So as you can imagine, with very little thought I’ll bet, I went over to collect some stuff I’d left at hers and one thing led to another and boom boom…oops! Well it had been a month [minus the Curious Incident of the Blond in the Night] of RedTube and top shelfers.

My sole intention was to retrieve some CDs, couple of shirts etc (she still sleeps in one of my jumpers?!) and my guitar, which I still can’t play it 5yrs down the line. She is really pretty though so perhaps her towel falling off coming out of the shower may have crossed my mind at some stage if I’m being honest etc etc. Mission complete in terms of collecting my belongings, that was until the tiling, red wine and rummaging around there started, roughly in that order. BTW it’s a messy job tiling as is being a PE merchant as many a Clinton Blue dress type event has attested to over the years.

Anyway, as you can gather Craigy boy is now back to his Sharp Shooting best as I think I lasted approximately 3.4 seconds. Give or take 3 seconds. Anyway, it wasn’t too late to catch the bus home before the nuclear fallout started, so every cloud has a silver lining hey? And some of the commuters got a quick chord (literally) of ‘Knocking on Heavens Door’, or Hells if her name begins with E and ends in mma and she can’t change a plug.

So I guess we’re back on safe and sound ground with the original problem, which is a relief in a way and a complete back to square one apocalyptic nightmare in another! :-)

Good night and do sleep well as they say on Crimewatch

Craig x

A big big thank you to EddyG after taking my Blog wall virginity. He’s another fellow lost soul (and fine fella) also searching for the elixir of sexual fulfilment for all us Premmers, but for once, by responding to my blog, this time it was good to be first.

Anyway to the Blog mobile and sorry for the delay I’ve been away for a while: -

What is possibly more embarrassing than PE? Well I’ll tell you….

As a man nearer the end of his sexual peak than the start, I want you to briefly imagine the girl I’m about to describe next that I re-contacted via Facbook and met up with last week. If you can picture a bright 20yr old model, fantastically arranged, 5’10, blonde hair, blue eyed beauty. A vision, some may say a dream of a girl. Well can you imagine being summoned to bed as she peeled her clothes off one by one to become as naked as the day she was born (which was considerably a more recent phenomenon for her than me!) But, instead of the usual trouble (see SS Blog 1 above) you can’t even get up for the job!? Not a twitch, a rise =NOTHING! Normally I’d have had a typical Panda night – Eats, shoots and leaves long since the hat and scarf came off, but strangely not this night. Perhaps this is a good thing in light of my expedient problems, but how can not getting an erection with a hottie be a good thing?!
Poor girl tried everything once we got into bed as well, as did I naturally, but as you well know once you start worrying I guess, there is absolutely no chance of anything going up. If nothing else normally you can run a flag up there...quickly mind - haha!

Which gets me thinking. Perhaps it was because I’m nearly a decade older than her and I remember Take That the first time round, or the memory of my recent love split that caused the mental/physical block, but simply - how can this happen?…to me The Sharp Shooter! Up has never been the problem even with the 5 pints and trail of tequila shots I’d consumed, the out bit was always the thing – with, or without alcohol. I’m starting to think I must be mental. So to ease those asylum fears what I’ve done, is put this latest set-back in the file (what they call in sport) Performance Anxiety due to the erm…age difference - yeah that will do. But for crying out loud, it’s like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire isn’t it! I thought my luck had to change after the festive break, but now this (which has really never happened before like this - this being a page about PE!) then you can imagine the good energy I had in writing the opening stanza to this Blog disappearing faster than Amy Winehouse to a backstage toilet. Still I’m up for a fight to the death and I’m sure it will happen soon…death that is, the way things are going! All can’t be that bad though if I can still get girls of that standard – right? right?

Stay tuned as I’m sure to be back to my usual problems soon. And if anyone has any similar instances though, then please do respond.

Craig x

PS - And there I was thinking by writing a Blog – ‘A problem shared would be a problem halved’ – Double trouble now typical :-)